What incredible lengths we go to…just to test ourselves. How unkind are we…to doubt ourselves. Have you ever sabotaged yourself? Maybe not intentionally? Maybe perfectly on purpose?
One moment, we are drowning. Gasping for air. Each breath of air as we come up over the dark crashing wave seems too short. Every ounce of you wasted by the energy spent just to inhale a sweet sigh above the water.
And almost miraculously, the storm begins to break, the water slows, and you’re able to float. Things don’t seem as bad. Our guard comes down and we welcome the calm seas of our life, embracing good times ahead.
Then there’s that itch. Almost like a tiny needle poking your body. A whisper that wonders when the next storm will come. An intensity that stares at the skies in wait of the bad weather ahead. And almost as if you wished it into existence, the water becomes heavy around you, and you’re tempted. Tempted to sink. Because why would you be worthy of calm seas?
In life…if this is your happily ever after, why would you try to ruin it? Why try to make yourself sink?
I’ve done many things in my life, as we all have: made mistakes, fallen down, rushed something , resented. I’ve viciously tried to ruin myself on several occasions. Not in a life-ending way; more like a character assassination. But to my chagrin, I’ve managed to maim myself just enough to leave myself disappointed but not broken. And in an attempt to ruin myself, I’ve racked up quite a bit of baggage. Like thousands of dollars in airplane fees type of baggage! And I would drag one bag after another around wherever I would go. Wear my traumas as a badge. A symbol that I went through things and wanted to reflect it.
What an awful mirror I had created for myself, then. Like a fun house mirror that distorts the way you look, I personally reflected every bad thing that had ever gone wrong with me. And proudly. On many occasions, I did not properly tend to my temple as I should have. My very mouth has said horrible things about the One who created my imperfections perfectly. And over time, whether I liked it or not, that perception became my reality. I believed I was dirty, sinful, wrong….and in an almost Shakespearean way, I would then try to destroy myself.
Have you seen Moana? In having many littles, I’ve seen it several thousand times. My favorite part is near the end, when the ocean parts and the scary, dark monster, Te Kā, drives on to destroy the small voice singing calmly in the distance. I analyze this very moment: the small girl takes the heart and places it back into that scary monster, and sings sweetly to her, “I have crossed the horizon to find you. I know your name. They have stolen the heart from inside you, but this does not define you. This is not who you are, you know who you are, who you truly are.” And in an instant, life is restored.
That’s what God does for me in that moment of weakness. When I tell myself I’m not worth the love, God restores my heart and shows me who I truly am. Because no matter who I think I am, He knows I’m not nearly as bad as I think I am.
I ask for His strength on the long road ahead. And I take great comfort in the love that only He can give.
Be safe, be great, be you!
Reality Changing Observations:
1. How have you seen God’s mercy move in your life?
2. How could you get out of your own way and let God take the lead?
3. How have you used God as your life raft?